If this match were a Steps concert, it would’ve had standing ovations, a surprise guest star, and at least three unnecessary but fabulous costume changes. The Ladies 3s didn’t just show up- we came to party. With DJ Mima on the decks and our in-house beatbox laying down a solid backing track, our pre-game warm-up wasn’t so much “preparing for a hockey match” as it was a full-scale arena tour. Tragedy if you missed it, honestly.

We had hip thrusts, we had dramatic spins, and at one point, I swear someone was about to drop into a full-on floor routine. It was giving 5, 6, 7, 8, it was giving stomp stomp clap, and most importantly, it was giving pure joy.

Act One: Deeper Shade of Hockey

The Ladies 2s came out strong, but we were not here to be backing dancers. This was our stage, and we played like it. Our passes? Smoother than a Lisa Scott-Lee solo career transition. Our movement? As synchronised as the “Deeper Shade of Blue” routine.

Emily in midfield was an unstoppable force. If there was a tackle to be made, she made it. If there was a ball to be won, she won it. At one point, I was convinced she had been possessed by the spirit of Elton John playing Maddison Square Garden, because she was everywhere at once. She played like she was guarding the last remaining Steps reunion tickets on earth, and she wasn’t letting anyone near them.

Ali in defence was an icon of stability, sweeping up everything in sight like she was hoovering up confetti after a Pride parade. The Ladies 2s threw everything at us, but we held firm. Meanwhile, Paige? Hot. To. Go. She had some fantastic runs, gliding through defenders with the confidence of Claire Richards hitting a high note. Every time she picked up the ball, the anticipation built, the energy spiked, and we were convinced she was about to slot one in. But fate, the Ladies 2s’ defence, and possibly Mercury in retrograde had other plans.

Act Two: Chain Reaction of Short Corners

Then came the short corners. And by short corners, I mean an entire second act dedicated solely to defending short corners. I’m not saying we spent most of the game in our D, but I am saying that by the end of it, we could probably run defensive set pieces in our sleep. The Ladies 2s kept pressing, but we stood our ground, blocking shots like our shin pads were imbued with the power of disco at Studio 54 itself.

Meanwhile, on the subs bench, Max was running the show. A team before us had labelled her an icon for umpiring and saying “I am watching,” and watch she did. Every substitution was as smooth as a Steps key change, perfectly timed and flawlessly executed. She was basically our very own tour manager, ensuring everyone hit the stage at the right time, in the right place, with maximum impact.

Act Three: Say You’ll Be Mine (But also, can we score?)

Despite our best efforts, we just couldn’t get the ball into the net. The Ladies 2s slotted in two of their own, leaving us with a 2-0 loss. But let’s be real-the actual winner today? The drama. The passion. The commitment.

And the real moment of the match? When Jemima, in a bold artistic choice, confidently picked up the wrong stick and took to the pitch none the wiser. A statement. A movement. A masterclass in chaotic energy. Paired with her highly questionable bench coat featuring the face of Jack Reacher and an inability to identify her own equipment, there was only one possible outcome- she was the undeniable winner of the prestigious Hot Mess of the Match award.

But our Player of the Match? Emily, for delivering a midfield masterclass so dominant that it deserves its own dedicated megamix.

Final Act: After the Love Has Gone, Earth, Wind and Fire (but the party hasn’t)

Post-match, we transitioned seamlessly from hockey team to birthday flash mob, because it was Ros’s big day, and we weren’t about to let that pass without proper fanfare. Out came the rainbow hats-because if your team isn’t accessorising post-match, are you even living? We launched into a chaotic, clubhouse rendition of Happy Birthday. Now, this wasn’t just any rendition. This was a full production. Vocals? Questionable. Enthusiasm? Off the charts. Harmonies? Non-existent, but deeply felt.

At some point during the celebrations, someone dared to question whether we had won today. And to that, I say:
Did we step onto the pitch and give everything? Yes.
Did we play some sensational hockey? Absolutely.
Did our hearts go Padam Padam every time we broke into the D? Without question.

Which means? Victory was ours. Today’s win was for hockey, and it was a feminominom.

Encore: Stomp, Clap, and Reflect

We now take a well-earned break next week before returning for our final game of the season the following week. One last dance, one final show, and I expect a full theatrical performance. I want flair, drama, and- if Heaven allows- a few more goals.

Final thoughts? The white kit? Absolutely not. I forgot we were the white team at one point and passed directly to the opposition. We deserve better. Next time? Sequins. Maybe even a cape. Perhaps a disco ball at halftime.

The Ladies 2s played brilliantly, and the match was as competitive as it was entertaining, but the real story here? We played. We danced. We gave it everything. And honestly? That’s the only score that matters.

Signed, Shireen